Me and my daughter.
Photo creds to Christine LeGrand
(click the photo and check her site out)
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I love upstate South Carolina.
My dad sent me a text message for the first time ever the other day and it was a day changer.
I never thought my father’s love and approval would ever mean so much. But with each day that passes it means more and more to me. I hope to be half the man he is one day.
WALKR: Farewell for now, Shotgun. -
Almost 4 years ago exactly I moved into the Shotgun.
(For those who might wonder, the name comes from the architecture. I’ll claim coming up with that.)
I remember sitting with William Monts and Sam Mitchell in a little house across from Anderson University and dreaming. We didn’t really know…
I love The Shotgun almost as I love the guys I used to live with.
I spent a week in London and Stockholm visiting friends along with my wife. This photo was taken while we rested outside Westminster Abby.
First off thanks you all for your love and support. It may not seem like much to you at all but it has meant the world to me and my wife over the past few days. I apologize to those that I have not replied to. Right now I honestly don’t know what day of the week it is and I have only slept a few hours combined. Everyone from my closest friends to strangers I know from Twitter have shown us tons of love and support. Thank you so much!
As for us… We are doing good. Really we are. Mandy went through her D&C flawlessly and she is healthy and recovering just find. Her pain has been minimal due to medicine. Sleep has been tough for us both. When things slow down and the day ends its hard to shut your brain down. I try not to think about it which in turns gets me started thinking about EVERYTHING. Its a rough cycle for sure.
The hardest part for me to handles is the fact that we were not at all trying to get pregnant. But is God’s sovereign plan he decided that it was time for us. At first I was so afraid. So much came to mind: finances (we had none), maternity leave (mandy has none), and how our lives were about to change drastically. For the first few hours after we got the new I was a wreck. The protector and husband came out in me and I had already planned a heist to be able to financially support my newly expanded family (I am only kind of kidding about the heist. It was an option. Just ask Blake Butler). After I had figured out the finances I was nothing but astatic. I wanted to tell everyone. Nothing else was on my mind and nothing mattered more. I was going to be a dad! Days later we told our friends and family, had a party to celebrate and life was so good. The following month or so was full of joy and thoughts of the future. We shopped for baby clothes, thought of names, and I showed everyone I came in contact with ultrasound photos. Life could not have been better.
Thursday, March 3rd that all changed… I will not bother you with the details but we had reason to be alarmed. I left work without really saying a word to my coworkers and Mandy did likewise. We rushed to the doctor where they informed us that over the last few days our baby had lost its heartbeat. We had lost our child… We were devastated. I have never felt so helpless. What do you do in a moment like that? The doctors were amazing and so supportive and friendly. I did all I could to keep it together and let Mandy begin to grieve and become emotional. I knew this would be a long road and I was going to have to keep my game-face on at times. This was one of them. Appointments needed to be made and one of us had to be coherent enough to listen to the doctors.
The rest of that day is a blur. Family came over. I emailed all my friends. I received an overwhelming about of love and support from you all but I don’t remember much of it at all. The part I remember most was my shower the following morning. I know that sounds weird but its nothing weird (promise). I got in the shower and just decided to lay on the floor in the fetal position. I have no idea how long I lay there with the water washing over me but I balled like a child. Tears, snot and the whole nine yards. I was sad, angry, confused and wanted nothing more than for this not to be happening. Why had this happened to us God? I do not deserve this was my only thought.
I am not sure how the Lord talks to you… Maybe you are not even a Christ follower and if so that is fine. I pray you continue to read and listen to my hearts cry through this. When the Lord needs to talk to me it is odd… Nothing like cool pastors talk about and nothing that would have made the pages of the Bible. It is usually a feeling or discernment as I would call it. I just know what He is saying to me. As I lay there talking to God and telling him how mad I was (as if he didn’t already know. ha) I began to just feel His hand on my heart. He knew what I was going through. What could I begin to teach God about how I loved my child? A child that I had not even met and yet I would oh so willing give my own life for it… The Lord knew how I felt and He was there with me through it. He had loved and knew me before I was born. He had already bought my life with the highest price and had done so willingly.
So what if God had given me a child I was not asking for? So what if that child was taken from me? To borrow a few words from the late Zack Smith: ‘God is still God and God is still good.” My circumstances DO NOT change the character of God. He is constant. He loved me before I knew Him and He would never change. Nothing would change His love for me. Sadly I will never meet my child but my child taught me so much more than I could have ever taught them. I understand a little better the love that Jesus has for us. It is a passionate love that would go to any lengths to redeem and save His children. I have learned a little deeper my love for my wife, my friends, my family and my Lord. And for that… I would not trade my experience of the last few days for anything.
I just sent this email to all of my close friends but wanted to share with anyone that I might have left off by mistake. I apologize for my lapse in judgement. This is a tough day for me.
It reads:
I wanted to start with ‘I love you’ because I do. SO MUCH! I feel an overwhleming desire to tell you that right now because the rest of this blog will not be fun at all. There is no easy way to say it so I will be blunt.
Earlier today the doctors informed us that we had lost our baby. After 9 weeks our baby for some reason no longer has a heartbeat and is no longer with us. I cannot accurately put into words the things that we are feeling but its one of the hardest things I have personally ever experienced. In an instance our child that we never got to meet was taken from us. A son or daughter that I love so much and now will never get to meet. Not all of it has set it yet and probably will not for some days. I write this all because I doubt I would be able to say it to you in person. I cannot find the words and honestly cannot handle making that many saddening phone calls right now.
Thank you for your love and support. Me and Mandy will move on and be fine but I ask that you keep us in your prayers. We know that you will and for that, and our friendship, you all mean the world to us.
Sincerely,
Chris
self portrait
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